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When your Friend, teammate, or roommate is Struggling and Turning to you for Support
Perhaps your friend is clearly struggling with:
- Emotional difficulties (including depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, eating/body concerns, etc.)
- A physical disability or ailment
- Self-destructive behavior (e.g. substance abuse, self-injury, etc.)
- Academic or any other significant problems
...and has been turning to you for support. As a significant person in their life, you may be involved with these struggles to varying degrees. It is important to recognize and respect your own limitations of time, expertise, and desire for involvement in offering your own assistance. It is best to be forthright and clear that, while you are concerned for your friend's welfare, you don't have the expertise or energy to assist him or her with all problems, and ultimately, you are not the one responsible for your friend.
Some suggestions on dealing with your friend/roommate:
1. Provide some support, mostly by listening. Your friend can be helped more by what he/she says than by what you say. Feeling like you are being helpful can make you feel good about yourself and the relationship. However, additional support from other resources may be needed if you begin to:
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Think that your friend doesn't seem to be handling their struggles any better over time, and they continue to expect the same or more support from you.
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Find yourself becoming distracted, irritated, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and/or feeling burdened by these struggles.
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Feel in over your head (it is important to trust your gut here).
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Aspects of your life begin to suffer, including your academic performance, other relationships, sleep, etc.
If you begin to notice any of the above, you should consider the following:
2. Consult with various faculty or staff about your concerns.
- CAPS counselors, Campus Ministry, Residence Life staff, Coaches, Health Education staff, faculty, and members of the Dean's office are all willing and able to speak with you about what has been going on and help you think about what you can do about it, including referring your friend for more support. They are also there to provide you with general support.
- Consultations are free of charge and encouraged during difficult times like these
3. Set limits with your friend, and refer them for additional support.
- It is okay, and may even be the best thing for yourself and your friend, to be clear with your own limits. It will benefit you, and be an important step in helping your friend getting the help they truly need and deserve. It also models for them healthy self-compassion and self-care.
- You can say such things as: "You and I just don't have enough time together to address these concerns the way they deserve, and I think you'd get a lot out of being able to talk them over with someone at greater length."
- Reassure your friend that making a referral isn't a rejection, and offer to follow-up. You might say: "Even though you will be talking with someone else about X, I want us to keep in touch about how things are going for you," or "Come back and let me know how your meeting goes -- you don't have to tell me details, but I'd like to know that you've found someone to speak with."
- Let your friend know that a situation does not have to reach crisis proportions for him/her to benefit from professional help, and that seeking additional help is not a sign of weakness, but one of courage, strength, and good judgment.
- Remember that you should not hesitate to get your own support.
4. The referral.
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You can even help them get support by making the initial call, gathering and passing on information about the additional resources, and/or walking with them to the appropriate resource.
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Remind them that all initial services are free and confidential (except for cases of imminent danger to self or others).
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If your friend refuses, you can consult with staff about your concerns and other possible options. But just like it is ultimately your friend's decision and right to refuse seeking additional support, it is your right to be firm with your own limits in supporting them.
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Your own reactions: if you feel guilty or afraid that you may be abandoning your friend, remember that compassion can and should have its limits. Your friend is not getting the best support they could be if you are struggling as well. Consider the possibility that you are discouraging your friend from getting the proper support they need if you continue to be their main source of support them.
5. Follwing-up after the referral
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Check in with your friend to solidify their resolve to obtain appropriate help and to demonstrate your commitment to help them in this process.
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Check with him/her later to see if the referral appointment was kept and to hear how it went.
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Please keep in mind that, by law, CAPS cannot inform you that your friend has made an appointment or has been seen, or of anything else (including any content of the sessions, treatment plans, or progress), unless he/she signs a written consent that explains the purpose and content of any disclosures.
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